The righteous care about justice for the poor, but the wicked have no such concern.
- Proverbs 29:7
Archive for January, 2007
the four musketeers(?) became short and stumpy and all things cute.
And all that we built,
and all that we breathed,
and all that we spilt,
or pulled up like weeds
is piled up in back;
it burns irrevocably.
- taken from FoxesSpoilage
I just finished Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami. Halfway through I was actually really liking the book and the characters and the way he writes about such ordinary things with a refreshing twist. Then it started to get heavier philosophically and I couldn’t quite understand a lot of the metaphors. The story kinda got a bit weird for my liking too, but overall I have to say it is a good read. The dialogues between Kafka and Oshima was so compelling, so natural, yet so unreal how anybody could have such eloquent, intelligent conversations. Murakami includes a lot of cultural references, as well as pop-culture ones, and it makes me feel so inadequate in the sense that there is so much in the world that I don’t know, so much books out there for me to absorb myself in and music to melt in.
Which ties in to my supposed enrolment for university on Monday, where being on campus made me realise there is a whole new world awaiting me in February, and this unknown ground excites me and terrifies me simultaneously. I enrolled on Thursday, got my student card and will never (possibly) get over the photo taken. It only expires in beeping 2009! Plus, I might apply for a Bachelor of Social Work at the end of the year, depending on where God leads (and whether I think I can really handle it). That will extend my years in university to five, which doesn’t seem very appealing at the moment. But they say these years will be the best years of your life, so why not? Besides, an extra degree wouldn’t hurt right?
But maybe I’m just saying this because I haven’t done anything remotely productive this holidays so I feel very motivated to study and achieve H1’s in all my subjects. Hah.
I still need to write some postcards and letters to my friends and attempt to channel my inner monologue (not that I think much these days anyway. It’s summer and my mind feels too blank sometimes). I also need to finish the books I’ve started and watch more movies, plan more gatherings, catch up with old friends, find a somewhat decent job (not that I’m complaining about my Kumon job, but I’m just afraid my timetable will clash), and achieve all of my summer dreams (Catch A Falling Star And Put It In Your Pocket).
In other news (well, not exactly news), I can’t seem to will myself out of this rut I’m in. I feel surface happy but not deep abiding joy. I want to run away on a missions trip and actually give of myself to something bigger than me and this world I’m living in. Yep, I read Andrew’s blog yesterday and it stirred something in me – the desire to lay down everything for Jesus and follow Him, no matter how I feel or what I haven’t done. To experience real life on the edge and to do something real and beyond myself. What he wrote on his blog’s tag line really stuck with me:
“He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose” – Jim Elliot, 1950’s missionary martyr who lost his life trying to reach the people of Ecuador. To what extent are we prepared to lay down our own needs, desires and imperfect lives; and give entirely of our heart, soul and strength for a cause that lies beyond us? I am on a journey that will one day come to final terms with this question.
I’m really just updating more so to remind myself of these fleeting summer days and my apathy. Forgive my vernacular, really. Yes, I know what my blog tag line states, but these days I’d rather rant than try for hours to come up with something profound and poetic.
Fidelity
Regina Spektor
I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all of these words
I hear in my mind all this music
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart
And suppose I never ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose we never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall
Break my fall
All my friends say that of course it’s gonna get better
Gonna get better
Better better better better
Better better better
I never love nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind all these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind all this music
And it breaks my heart
And It breaks my heart
I hear in my mind all of these voices
I hear in my mind all of these words
I hear in my mind all of this music
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
I finally wore a summer frock today! Bought it on Sunday with my sister from Camberwell Market for fifteen dollars, which totally blew my budget because I have been spending way too much lately. Today I caught up with Suz over brunch (but I didn’t realise it was lunchtime until too late) and hot mocha at Cafe Segovia in Block Place, somewhere off Collins St. She was donning a cute/sexy yellow bubble dress, and we both exclaimed when we saw each other: I hate you! (why?) I love your dress! Come to think of it, I’ve known her since she was twelve (going on thirteen); now I’m eighteen and she’s turning sweet sixteen (You’ve Turned Into The Prettiest Thing I’ve Seen).
I’m feeling quite happy this week; blessed and all the goodnicewarmfuzzy things. I woke up this morning dead tired and almost wanted to cancel on Suz but didn’t, which I’m glad, because we had a goodfine in-depth talk about life and love and God and why. This is what I miss having in my life, real connection and real friendship. Today I found myself being open and slightly more so vulnerable, simply because she is. And it is freeing, after all the past months of being guarded and closed off and whatnot.
Didn’t managed to fulfill my summer dream (swimming + synchronized swimming) the other day at Cynth & Cheryl’s house but after dinner they rolled away part of the pool cover and we dipped our legs in. Their house feels like a holiday house! (It is an Englehart home, after all). We were supposed to go somewhere for dinner but everyone was being too indecisive so we stayed home (why would they even want to ever leave their house to go out!). By the poolside I felt nostalgic, but just glad to be catching up with old chums again. I suppose we were just skimming the surface (talking about everyone but ourselves), yet I’ve realised something: these things takes time to deepen, and our paths don’t cross very often anymore. When Hannah used to say that I was the one holding us all together I didn’t believe her, but now I can see some truth in it, only in that I was more idealistic for believing that friendships should last forever. But it shouldn’t, not at least when it’s time to let go; a difficult lesson I learnt some two years ago.
I managed to keep Hannah in the car for an hour when she took me home by probing (okay I guess I’m never really satisfied with just superficial talk, especially when you know you can go further) – which brought up alot of things we hardly touched on before in all these years of friendship, even back then when we were supposedly close (but we were fourteen after all). I think we’re both moving into a new chapter in our lives, and maybe we cannot be that support for each other, but I don’t think we’ll be losing our friendship anytime soon. Where once our lives converged, it is now (and has been) diverging.
Anyhow, this is kinda belated, but looking (veryvery) forward to this new year! I’m finally over wanting to be seventeen forever – I’m contented to be eighteen: older and legal and hopefully wiser. Thank God I got into Arts in Melbourne Uni; can’t wait to join the cult! (:
Just read Gerald’s blog entry about his recent contemplations and I started feeling sentimental. He must be experiencing so much more than he would say so. Getting to know him over the past month or so has been… different, especially when he started crawling out of his shell. Funny how I’ve quickly grown slightly attached to our ‘chauffeur’ and his idiosyncratic ways and funny faces. Hope the two years in the army will be a real growing and stretching time for him.
I’m going swimming at Cynth and Chez’s house on Tuesday; can’t wait to dip myself into the inviting pool (I’m loving the summer weather!) and see the girls again. I wish we made more effort with these things. It has been exactly a year since we last met up. It’s astonishing to think we’ve all past the eighteen mark. I don’t suppose most teenage friendships last, at least not deeply, especially when once only tenuous strings held us together.
I think I’m seeing my school friends on Wednesday; rather apprehensive, but looking forward to seeing everyone again, I suppose. Baby left for Singapore, Jess for Newcastle and Mel will be working… but I haven’t seen the rest for at least a month, so I’m going to brace myself for a goodfuntime at the beach. The seashore is a beautiful place! I’m just wishing I get a chance to catch a sunset and a sunrise this summer, which is flying away too quickly as I type.
