did anyone ever tell you how beautiful you look

when you’re looking for what’s beautiful in someone else?

it’s been a v. long day & i never like the end of days much – i always feel somewhat hurried and distracted, making mental lists in my mind about what else i want to do. i like to experiment with different places & change of scenery, because sometimes familiarity breeds contempt, even with places. (but of course in retrospect you always remember things with a sense of nostalgia. maybe less so with generic spots like shopping centres). i think i need to let go of my ‘to-do’ list & just do things on a whim, even if for the thousandth time. i really need to relaxxxxxxxx

ideally, i wouldn’t stress my mind out. even during the holidays. maybe that’s why i’m q. excited about Tasmania – because my mum’s the one figuring out the itinerary. i don’t even have to think!

now that’s a happy thought.

Would you go to the bottom of a deep, dry well?

Today I decided to look at your face, listen to your words wholeheartedly, and found myself catching the contagion of your joy. Most times I easily dismiss the notion of positive-thinking, because it really does sound like a load of hogwash. As if saying to yourself Be Happy repeatedly will bring love, joy, peace, happiness! But I suppose Descartes’ supposition, ‘I think, therefore I am’ has a ring of truth to it, because action changes with perception. There was a popular song playing on the radio today at work, about the lives’ of others not necessarily being better than the one you’re leading. And I suppose it strikes close to home, in that contentment starts now, and not tomorrow. I have to keep reminding myself I have the freedom to do anything I want, that I am not locked behind a life of bars, of restricted movement, of being subjected to constant injustice. And I can use this freedom, to run and dance for justice and make someone’s life a little bit happier. I think I can learn a lot from people who do not have what I have, but having what I do not have. Aren’t we living for more than our little hearts? I mean, who do we think we are to squander this time, this life?

No matter how sad you are, there is always a sense of joy behind the tears (the rainbow behind the rain?). And while you didn’t say anything particularly profound today, being in your presence lifted my spirits. I wonder why I don’t always listen more closely to you, instead brushing away precious time spent with you thoughtlessly. We always think there is more time. But what if we lose all today? Could’ve, Should’ve, Would’ve. C’s remarked stung, but I’m learning from him to appreciate the people I have around me now (not later) and to learn about their hearts - what makes it tickle and what makes it shiver.

I watched you walked away, and realised your spirit makes a difference. I want to be that sort of person, you know? To be more than idealistic, to dream beyond the horizon and not be disappointed even though life doesn’t always turn out the way I want it to, and people don’t become who I expect them to be. I don’t want to stay cloaked in ‘realism’ forever. It’s just a euphemism for pessimism.

I think that is a very, very good plan

“I thought she spoke of your having some plan of going round the world.”

“I’m rather ashamed of my plans; I make a new one every day.”

“I don’t see why you should be ashamed; it’s the greatest of pleasures.”

“It seems frivolous, I think,” said Isabel. “One ought to choose something very deliberately, and be faithful to that.”

“By that rule then, I’ve not been frivolous.”

“Have you never made plans?”

“Yes, I made one years ago, and I’m acting on it to-day.”

“It must have been a very pleasant one,” Isabel permitted herself to observe.

“It was very simple. It was to be as quiet as possible.”

“As quiet?” the girl repeated.

“Not to worry–not to strive nor struggle. To resign myself. To be content with little.”

- – Chapter 24, Portrait of a Lady, Henry James